Joel Stein: How I'd Write Jokes for the No-Host Oscars (Guest Column)
AWARDS
6:00 AM PST 2/20/2019 by Joel Stein
Hugh Jackman is the best boss I've ever had. Ten years ago, I spent a week in a room at the Mandarin Oriental hotel in Manhattan with three other writers, eating a lot of minibar snacks and writing Jackman's material for the 81st Academy Awards. I loved working for him, even though he hugged us every time he entered the room, which I found both excessive and a little scary because he is very strong and I am a writer.
But I gladly endured those bench-press embraces because Jackman said yes to everything. He said yes to letting me try on his $18,000 plastic Wolverine claws despite the fact that I didn't ask to try them on. He said yes to Anne Hathaway when she called to ask to be in the opening number, even though it was a little thirsty. And from what I gather, from a lack of emails after the show, he even said yes to that minibar bill. The only thing better than working for Jackman would have been writing for this year's Oscars. A no-host Oscar writer can come up with anything.
Despite this opportunity to cast celebrities to deliver whatever sketch writers can imagine, I fear that the Academy will see the lack of a host as a chance for a utilitarian Oscars that gets everyone in bed by midnight: See celebs in gowns, hand out awards, go home. This would be a mistake because the Oscars are a statement about Hollywood. If I were writing for this year's show, I'd design it to be as big a spectacle as possible.
Without a personality to shape it, the opening number has to set the show's tone. It should be enormous: singing, dancing, pyrotechnics, acrobatics, cameos, stuff falling from the ceiling, whatever wild animals PETA is still OK with. I'd pack that opening number with an E! red carpet number of celebrities. Each micro-host would sing a few lines from one of the nominated films, then toss the microphone to the next star until it's time to throw to James Franco at which point the song should stop abruptly. I'd end the opening number by having Michael Bay, Robert Rodriguez and Kathryn Bigelow come onstage with director's headphones. Rodriguez would send two turquoise 1962 Sedan DeVilles from Green Book to crash in front of a raised stage where Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper are singing. Bigelow would direct Los Halcones from Roma to bum-rush the stage, only to be repelled by the Wakandan army. Then Michael Bay would have Dick Cheney blow it all up.
To dispel the awkwardness, I'd address the oddity of not having a host. Put Billy Crystal in one of the stage wings, ready to come in and host in case of emergency — which should be scripted to happen at least once. Bruce Vilanch should trudge up to deliver jokes himself because he has no host to do it for him. Kevin Hart should come up to present an award, stammer nervously and then be joined by Alan Cumming. Then Neil Patrick Harris. Then Billy Eichner. Then all the male makeup artists. Then the Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles.
There's no need for a monologue, which is great since the Dolby Theatre is the toughest crowd in the world. A lot of the people in those seats aren't in a laughing mood because they're focused on whether their lives are about to change by winning an Oscar. By the middle of the show, the crowd is even less comedy-friendly since most of those people are now depressed that their lives didn't change.
After writing for the Oscars, it became clear that it's not a variety show. It's a game show. And as Alex Trebek can tell you, you have to constantly ratchet up the tension. This is why the second-best part of the Oscars is when all the nominees' faces are split on one screen right before the winner is announced. The best part, of course, is when they're still all on the screen after the winner is announced. The Oscars should stretch that suspense the whole night. Put a crawl on the screen with the Vegas odds of all the upcoming awards, which will change all night after each award is given. Set up a booth in the back where Charles Barkley, Shaquille O'Neal, Kenny Smith and Ernie Johnson offer analysis. "Come on, Kenny! After Viggo lost best actor, it's for sure that Green Book has no shot at best picture. No one's giving an award to the dude who made that Cameron Diaz-spooge-hair movie!"
I'd also get famous directors to replicate those Olympic athlete profiles. If some NBC Sports producer can make me care about a Japanese gymnast, then Ang Lee can surely put together two minutes that make me cry about how Regina King got a matching tattoo with her son. I don't know anything about Mary Poppins Returns costume designer Sandy Powell, but I'd watch Wes Anderson's short about the unlikely coincidence of her competing for an Oscar against the costume designer of The Favourite who is also named Sandy Powell.
The final written bit of the night, right before the best picture Oscar, would involve Faye Dunaway confusedly going into the audience to hand fake Oscars to every single person involved with Black Panther. Because no matter how great the written material is, if those guys don't win something, no one is going to be happy.
This story first appeared in the Feb. 20 issue of The Hollywood Reporter magazine. To receive the magazine, click here to subscribe.
Automotive Customer Relationship Management (CRM) Market - Global Analysis & Forecast to 2025 - ResearchAndMarkets.com
The "Global Automotive Customer Relationship Management Market, Forecast to 2025" report has been added to ResearchAndMarkets.com's offering.
This study analyzes the competitive landscape, business models, pricing, and future focus areas of dealerships, DMS providers, and third-party vendors in the automotive CRM market.
Automotive retail is shifting from a product-driven to customer-centric approach and accommodating changing customer expectations have become crucial for dealers. However, dealerships are struggling to finely capture customer data through multiple online retail channels, ensure that information is actionable, and achieve a centralized view of customers across all stores.
Automotive CRM is trailing behind other industries and dealerships need to utilize the advanced capabilities of CRM to proactively identify business opportunities and build trusted relationships with their customers throughout the ownership lifecycle.
Automotive CRM's competitive landscape is evolving, with DMS providers entering the market and intensifying competition. DMS providers are lacking advanced CRM capabilities and, hence, acquiring small CRM vendors to realize profitable business opportunities in the market. For example, CDK Global acquired ELEAD1ONE to strengthen CRM capabilities and expand its client base in the United States.
Third-party CRM vendors are offering flexible integration interfaces to ensure that dealers connect to DMS systems seamlessly. It is essential for CRM and DMS providers to work hand-in-hand to survive in the industry and for dealers to realize business profits. Dealerships/OEMs who establish a well-defined omni-channel strategy are likely to attract more customers, build trusted relationships, and transform the overall customer experience, thereby enabling higher profit margins in sales and aftersales.
Proactive recommendations and targeted campaigns are imperative in the age of omnichannel retailing. Automotive CRM solutions should seamlessly synchronize customer data from multiple touchpoints and analyze them using data mining algorithms to maximize customer engagement.
Dealerships should aggressively work with CRM vendors to integrate data from disparate sources and identify profitable business opportunities through CRM analytics. OEMs need to re-evaluate their omni-channel strategies and collaborate with CRM vendors to improve the shopping experience for customers across multiple retail channels.
Web-based CRM has been traditionally deployed in a majority of the dealerships in the United States and Europe. However, key benefits such as reduced capital costs, fewer maintenance overheads, and usage-based pricing are favoring small and mid-sized dealerships in the US market to implement cloud-based CRM solutions. European dealerships will be relatively slow in migrating to cloud CRM due to stringent data privacy laws (such as the GDPR).
Large dealerships will involve a long tail of transition and security concerns when it comes to full cloud adoption and, hence, will remain sceptical towards cloud CRM until 2025.
Issues Addressed
Topics Covered
1. Executive Summary
2. Research Scope, Objectives, Background, and Methodology
3. Automotive CRM - Core and Advanced Features Analysis
4. Dealership Analysis and Regional Market Outlook - The United States and Europe
5. Automotive CRM - Business Models, Pricing, and Deployment Models
6. Automotive CRM - Vendor Profiles
7. Growth Opportunity Analysis
8. Key Conclusions and Future Outlook
Companies Mentioned
For more information about this report visit https://www.researchandmarkets.com/research/4ml6hg/automotive?w=4
View source version on businesswire.com: https://www.businesswire.com/news/home/20190220005644/en/
SOURCE: Research and Markets
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Copyright Business Wire 2019
Accommodating Mass Timber Buildings—the Right Way to Change the Building Code
It seems inevitable that change evokes anxiety. When new technologies or products appear, those who do not understand or are reluctant to use them often resist change by spreading unfounded rumors or horror stories about the potential consequences of their use.
Case in point: the emerging application of mass timber products for tall wood buildings. In some industries and public services, there is almost knee-jerk reaction to the perceived hazards of structural weakness and fire.
To address evolving mass timber technology, the International Code Council (ICC)—publishers of the predominantly used International Building and Fire codes—established its Ad Hoc Committee on Tall Wood Buildings (TWB) to study the science and engineering behind the materials and design before recommending including them in the latest editions of the codes. Their work, which was approved by the ICC membership in December, resulted in guidance to local code officials and first responders on the code-compliant construction and occupancy of these buildings
The TWB, which is currently proposing a few additional changes to the structural provisions of the building code, comprises designers, materials interests (including competing industries), code officials and members of the fire service, including firefighters, fire chiefs and fire protection engineers. The group researched and designed appropriate fire testing of mass timber materials and assemblies. Five full-scale fire tests were conducted to observe the performance of a two-level apartment-style structure constructed of mass timber. The tests were conducted at the federal Bureau of Firearms, Tobacco Alcohol and Explosives (ATF), following scenarios prescribed by the TWB. The tests were witnessed by a large and diverse group of people, and thousands of fire performance data points were collected for analysis.
Based upon test results, the TWB drafted code change proposals to ensure that tall wood buildings will have rigorous and redundant systems of fire protection suitable for the mission of protecting the public and fire responders. The work was distributed among four critically analytical teams—Height and Area, Fire, Standards and Definitions, and Structural, which took two years to deliberate on the data, assemblies and results before making its recommendations. In accordance with ICCrules, all meetings were announced and open to the public for observation and comment. All agendas, minutes and committee working documents were published online as soon as they were available.
The TWB submitted its proposals to multiple ICChearing committees that are charged with analysis and review of all proposals to amend the model codes. Like the TWB, these standing committees include design, construction and fire safety experts. After deliberation and some modifications recommended by the TWB, these committees passed each proposed change over opponents’ testimony. Subsequently, public comment hearings were held where once again the opponents were provided the opportunity to present their concerns in an open forum. Nonetheless, the eligible government representatives present at the hearings voted to approve the favorable committee recommendations, advancing the proposals for one more final vote using the free online tool called cdpACCESS (an acronym for “Code Development Process Access” [www.cdpaccess.com]). In December 2018, ICC announced that its governmental members upheld the TWB proposed changes, which will appear in the 2021 edition of the ICC codes.
The TWB has demonstrated the right way to change the building code—after careful analysis of: current building codes; the results of numerous fire tests, including the ATF fire tests; and a performance-based approach to ensure that tall wood buildings provide similar performance compared to current construction types allowed by the code.
No one should let emotion drive their opinion of the proposed tall wood changes to the ICC; there is no need to fear the process or conclusions that have been reached, because the code is being changed in the right way.
While structural integrity and safety concerns are legitimate questions for the fire service to raise, there is a way to relieve one’s anxiety. Learn more about TWB science and engineering and get involved in the building and fire code development processes to learn about and contribute to the ultimate desired outcome—resilient and safe buildings. Unlike many countries, the United States remains one where regulatory safety codes are developed through a consensus process, and anyone with an interest in safety for the built environment can participate.
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