Dear Annie: Why do we have etiquette?
Dear
Annie: I'm wondering whether you could weigh in on a disagreement my wife and I
have.
As a
daughter of former hippies, she was not taught etiquette or social graces when
she was growing up. Most of the time, her irreverence is charming to me, and
her questioning of authority and societal norms is attractive.
When it
comes to me, I tend to be a pleaser and thus try to have good manners.
I
mentioned the other day that etiquette exists so that we are kind to others. My
wife balked at that idea. From what I surmise, she basically thinks that a
bunch of old men in wigs sat down one day and decided, for example, that people
should not chew with their mouths full. I think the rule that people should not
chew with their mouths full exists because other people find open-mouthed
chewing disgusting.
Could
you please give your thoughts on this? Honestly, I was completely floored by my
wife's opinion -- somehow this had never come up in 11 years of marriage -- but
it explains so much about her. -- Polite Guy
Dear
Polite Guy: I'm with you. Etiquette, at its heart, isn't a set of irrelevant
rules that some pinky-raising white-gloved elites impose upon the masses; it's
a living, breathing collective agreement of how we ought to communicate respect
to one another. Perhaps your wife could stop looking at manners as burdens and
start regarding them as opportunities -- chances to say "I care" with
her actions. It's not as if such actions demand too much effort. Sending a
thank-you card, for example, takes five minutes and about 50 cents; chewing
with one's mouth closed requires no more effort than chewing with it open.
Unfortunately,
as with a second language, it's much easier to learn politeness as a child than
as an adult. I'm not sure how much you or I could change her mind on the
subject at this point. But you're not wrong for trying. And if she continues to
scoff at manners, rest assured that her behavior reflects on her alone, not
you.
Dear
Annie: I'd like to share my response to "74-Year-Old Wallflower," the
lifelong bachelor who was wondering how to break in to dating now:
Buy
some dancing shoes and take up ballroom dancing! You'll learn a skill that
deters aging, improves memory, gets you moving, makes you happy and gets you
socializing with wonderful people (and may win you a date with a wonderful
woman). The benefits of social dancing are amazing, and you can usually find
classes at your local senior center or American Legion post, or you can learn
super fast by signing up for private lessons at a local dance studio. In no
time, "Wallflower," you will become a bright and happy daisy on the
dance floor. -- Janet S.
Dear
Janet: You are not the only person who wrote in to say that "74-Year-Old
Wallflower" should take up ballroom dancing. It sounds like a fabulous way
to make friends and stay healthy. Thanks for the suggestion.
Dear
Annie: Recently, someone wrote to you asking about whether men should always
pay for dates now. I agree that the one issuing the invitation should pay for a
first date. But I do not appreciate the term "to go Dutch," which is
an old slur based on the supposed excessive frugality of the people of Holland.
Try "50-50" instead, please. -- Diane
Dear
Diane: I had no idea that some consider the origin of that phrase pejorative,
and I apologize for using it. My dictionaries, which usually indicate when
terms are offensive, do not note that. Some people say that the term stems from
the concept of Dutch doors. Of course, I meant no offense to the people of
Holland. Regardless, "50-50" works for me. Thank you for writing.
"Ask
Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie" is out now! Annie Lane's
debut book -- featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and
etiquette -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit
http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for
Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
Annie Starke's Romantic At-Home Wedding in
Bedford, New York
Family is important to Annie Starke and Marc Albu—so much that
they chose to include their loved ones in their engagement, wedding planning,
and, ultimately, their wedding day. For starters, the college sweethearts—she's
an actress and daughter of Glenn Close; he's a management consultant—got
engaged on Annie's grandfather's beloved boat, the Zula, at her father's home
in Brookhaven, New York, on August 19, 2016. "The Zula has been in my family
for almost 100 years, and my dad is the third generation to live in
Brookhaven," Annie says. "The setting was absolutely perfect, and
after Marc popped the question, he surprised me by inviting his immediate
family to Brookhaven for lobsters and champagne. It was an
amazing experience."
For their wedding on June 30, 2018, the couple looked to another
familial place—this time, to Annie's childhood home in Bedford Hills, New York.
"We knew right away that we'd love to get married at Beanfield," she
says. "Beanfield has been incredibly special to both of us, my parents,
and our many family friends throughout the years. It's a communal home-base for
our beloved masses, so to speak, and we couldn't imagine our wedding taking
place anywhere else." The couple, along with David Stark of David Stark
Design & Production, were inspired by the home itself as they dreamed up a
"bohemian BBQ" vision. "The 'profoundness' of Beanfield, meaning
its communal importance and staggering natural beauty, served as the central
inspiration for David, Marc, and I during our whole planning process,"
says the bride. "We didn't want anything fussy—just simple,
country-inspired chic, with an emphasis on the June season."
Keep scrolling to see Annie and Marc's summer wedding dreams
come to life, as captured by photographer Corbin Gurkin.
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
"The dress search was actually the scariest part of wedding
planning, in my opinion," Annie admits. "I was struggling to find
something—anything!" That is, until she spotted her dream dress on Monique
Lhuillier's Instagram feed during bridal Fashion Week. After doing some
research, she discovered that the gown would be at a trunk show in Los Angeles
that weekend (serendipitous, right?!) and made an appointment. "I tried it
on and knew right away that I had found my dress," she says of the
long-sleeved lace design. "It was as simple as that! One and done."
On the wedding day itself, the bride slipped into the V-neck
dress with the help of her bridesmaids and mother. "Getting dressed and
ready to go with our ride-or-die bridesmaids and groomsmen was an afternoon
we'll never forget," she says.
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
Annie's bridesmaids were decked out in an assortment of flowery
frocks by Zimmermann. To add to the day's floral-centric aesthetic, each
carried a coral and white bouquet of peonies, garden roses, Queen Anne’s lace,
and ranunculus.
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
The women in Annie's bridal party wore delicate floral crowns,
furthering the romantic, whimsical feeling of the design.
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
Annie chose to incorporate family heirlooms into her bridal look
by wearing her mother's diamond studs and a few pieces from her
great-grandmother. She embraced the floral theme by carrying a vibrant bouquet
of peonies and wearing a flower crown in lieu of a veil. She also styled her
hair in an updo courtesy of family friend (and adopted uncle!) Martial
Cornville. "He was the hair guru on the big day, and his participation is
something I'll always treasure," she says.
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
The bride shared a special moment with her mother just before
walking down the aisle.
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
The ceremony took place on the estate's grounds, beneath a pair
of apple trees overlooking a wooded glen. Guests were welcomed with programs
featuring an illustration of the special trees that framed the setting. The
booklets later doubled as escort cards.
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
A floral arch of foliage, white delphinium, garden roses, Queen
Anne’s lace, and interwoven vines created a focal point at the ceremony.
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
Joshua Bell, a Grammy award-winning violinist, provided music
during the ceremony. The bride walked down the aisle with her father, John
Starke, as a string quartet played and her mother looked on.
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
Annie and Marc exchanged vows in a ceremony that their planner
describes as "soulful."
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
Following the ceremony, the newlyweds went on an adventure with
their wedding party (and their dog!) to take sunset portraits in fields adorned
with wildflowers. "As a nod to my dad's family history in Brookhaven, and
to replenish the property's natural virtue, my mom arranged for wildflowers to
be planted throughout both fields," describes the bride. "They
blanketed the entire acreage with beautiful, almost Pollock-esque flora and
herbage."
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
Meanwhile, guests enjoyed cocktail hour back at Beanfield, where
they sipped on three signature cocktails: a Negroni, an Aperol spritz, and a
Dark and Stormy.
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
The couple was surrounded by 268 loved ones, including celebrity
guests such as Rose Byrne, Bobby Cannavale, Paul Shaffer, Kick Kennedy, Rumer
Willis, Tallulah Willis, and Robert Kennedy Jr.
Without a doubt, the night's menu was a focal point for Annie
and Marc, who are "avid—if not crazy obsessed—foodies and
cooks." To wow their guests, they took a quite literal take on their
"bohemian BBQ" theme by hiring Fireroasted Catering to cook
everything (including beef, fish, and vegetables) on an open flame. "Tom
and his talented team are truly geniuses, and they take immense pride in
what they do," Annie says. "Frankly, it was an honor to have them
cook for our reception, and it was an honor and a joy to feast on their
creations."
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
The dinner tent was nestled alongside the property's glorious,
wildflower-filled field. Inside, the space was decorated with twinkly lights
and long dining tables that created a "feeling of one, giant family
table."
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
Each table was dressed with simple white linens, glowing
candles, and still life-inspired floral arrangements of wildflowers from the
surrounding field.
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
There was no dance floor—guests instead kicked off their shoes
and danced barefoot in the grass. (And strings of old-fashioned bulbs and
hundreds of lanterns were added to further enhance the grassy setting.)
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
"Several of our very talented friends were nice
enough to perform some musical numbers for us, so the reception was like an
amazing concert consisting of our favorite people," recalls the bride.
"The band absolutely brought the house down, and we felt so lucky to
be surrounded by such love and jubilant energy."
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
Photo
by Corbin Gurkin
Looking back on their wedding day, Annie says it was absolutely
perfect—except for maybe the sweltering June heat. "It was an insanely hot
and humid day, but we didn't care," she says. "We partied and
perspired the night away!"
Wedding Planner & Floral Design: David Stark Design &
Production || Officiant: John B. Allen || Bride's Dress: Monique Lhuillier ||
Bride's Hair: Martial Cornville || Bride's Makeup: Alexandra Urvois ||
Bridesmaids' Hair: Rick Caroto || Bridesmaids' Makeup: Diane Manzaneres ||
Bridesmaids' Dresses: Zimmermann || Groom's Suit: Suit Supply || Groom's Shoes:
Del Toro || Invitation Illustration: The VanNutts || Paper Products: Press New
York || Calligraphy: Jennifer King Calligraphy || Music: John McCarthy, Joshua
Bell, Jonny Rosch and Friends || DJ: Clark Winter || Catering: Fire Roasted
Catering || Cake: La Tulipe || Rentals: Party Rental LTD. || Tent: NY Tent ||
Lighting: Scott Davis, Frost Lighting || Transportation: US Coachways ||
Photographer: Corbin Gurkin
Annie Stritzel helps Nazareth outmuscle
Fenwick for 3A sectional title
Nazareth
senior guard Annie Stritzel has had a simple philosophy during the Roadrunners’
Class 3A playoff run: Win at all costs.
She’s
following up those words with actions.
In the
Class 3A Fenwick Sectional final on Thursday, Stritzel, a Harvard recruit,
scored 36 points to lift the Roadrunners to a 46-37 victory against the host
Friars.
Nazareth
(30-3) advanced to face Lindblom in Monday’s supersectional at Concordia
University Chicago. The Roadrunners are one step away from getting back to
state.
“I’m a
huge competitor. I hate to lose,” Stritzel said. “Going into this game, I said,
‘I don’t care what it takes, we’re not losing.’ We’re going to keep continuing
that until we finish the state championship with a win.”
Her
dad, Nazareth coach Eddie Stritzel, emphasized to his team in the days prior to
the game the importance of playing physical against the young but talented
Friars, who started two freshmen. Annie Stritzel followed through with a
near-constant diet of buckets by driving the lane or the baseline. If that
didn’t work, she’d pick up a foul.
Stritzel
was most effective in the third quarter when she fashioned her very own 12-1
run, including driving the lane for an off-balance layup with 5:45 left in the
period. A few minutes later, she added a steal and a layup. The Roadrunners
never looked back, though Fenwick pulled within four points with less than two
minutes to play.
Her
team’s focus on physicality was a big part of the victory, Stritzel said.
“Before,
we always talked about how when teams play us, they think they are going to
out-physical us,” she said. “We said, ‘Not tonight.’ … We’re not going to be
out-physicaled by freshmen. We just wouldn’t let it happen.”
Nazareth’s
2-3 zone forced 19 Fenwick turnovers, and the Roadrunners spent most of their
evening diving for loose balls and committing more than their share of hard
fouls. Stritzel had four fouls.
Perhaps
the key hustle play came with 1:07 left in the game, when senior guard Jovanna
Martinucci chased down Fenwick senior guard Maggie Van Ermen off an inbound
play, caused a steal and then was fouled. She made one of her free throws and
gave her team a 43-36 lead.
“Coach
told us we need to play aggressive,” Martinucci said. “(The Friars) play
aggressive. We can play better than that, and I think we really did that
tonight.”
Eddie
Stritzel said he was pleased with his squad’s aggressive focus.
“(Fenwick)
made a living with their high-low with their two young kids, and I thought we
did an amazing job with our physicality,” he said. “Every pass was defended.
You know they were going to make their run — it’s hard to beat a team on their
home court.”
He
added that it’s hard to appreciate his daughter’s performance because a coach
doesn’t have the same perspective that a dad in the bleachers might have.
Still,
he had glowing praise for her.
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