Bastard

Humor: Liam Neeson proves he’s not racist by vividly recalling a racist moment in his life

“If you’re black, I will find you and I will kill you”

As if Black History Month couldn’t get any better, it looks like the 66-year-old star of “Taken,” Liam Neeson, mistook his press interview with The Independent for a Catholic confessional when he told the world he once looked for a random black man to murder.

“And I did it for maybe a week. Hoping some black bastard would come out of the pub and have a go at me,” he said.

These were the exact words that came out of Neeson’s babbling mouth when the interviewer asked him how his week was going.

“Black bastard” was spat with a hard “B” almost as if he wanted to replace that word with n— never mind. The funny thing about the random confession is that this thrilling event happened at a time when social media wasn’t yet invented, meaning that the “mayonnaise legend” could have lived the rest of his life without social media detectives catching on. Clearly, Neeson’s particular set of skills includes self-sabotage and racial profiling.

Can you imagine being black and walking past Liam Neeson in the 80s, in Northern Ireland, of all places? The two or three black people in Northern Ireland probably assumed that Neeson was on that good-ole Irish heroin, and that he must have mistaken them for his dealers — because all black men were drug dealers, just like all black men were rapists, just like all black men look alike according to Neeson’s angered thought process.

On the bright side, Neeson seems to be using this particular set of skills to produce great movies like: “Taken 1–10: Which One of These Black Bastards Kidnapped My Daughter???”; “The Commuter: Which One of You Black Bastards Do I Have To Beat Up to Solve This Mystery????”; and “Cold Pursuit: The Intoxicating Pursuit of The Black Bastard.”

To play white devil’s advocate, if Neeson confessed his bastard-hunting story on a platform like the “Oprah Winfrey Show,” while also crying and drinking tea from a flask, he would probably be forgiven and be allowed to act in as many revenge movies as he pleases. Instead, he decided to have a “That’s-So-Raven” moment into the past at a press interview on a random Tuesday — all after he glanced at the TV and saw Trevor Noah speak about how bad that kiss with Viola Davis was.

Written By: Hilary Ojinnaka — hiojinnaka@ucdavis.edu

(This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)

hear Bastard Noise’s “Mandatory Human Exit” from split with Xiphoid Dementia

Two long-running harsh electronic noise artists, Bastard Noise and Xiphoid Dementia, are releasing a split called Human Extinction Engine on March 1 via Scry Recordings, Existence Establishment, and Phage Tapes (pre-orders are available at the label links). There’s three songs by each artist, and we’re premiering one of Bastard Noise’s songs, “Mandatory Human Exit.” As Bastard Noise fans should expect, it’s as abrasive and alienating as it gets. Bastard Noise’s Eric Wood tells us:

“Mandatory Human Exit” immediately eludes to the fact that the only enemy of this sacred earth is this “shit species” known as modern man. His willingness to exploit her priceless offerings for capital gain (even in the face of potential, horrific suicide) is the ultimate crime. Only nature is god. Humans are a cancer that deserve immediate, simultaneous eradication.

Listen to the new song, watch the trailer for the split, and see the tracklist below.

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TracklistSide A: XIPHOID DEMENTIAMalevolenceSpiralsFangs

Side B: BASTARD NOISEAvenge The Global Animal Holocaust By Any Means NecessaryMandatory Human ExitCries From The Pterosaur GraveyardExtraterrestrial Spring Evening

Berlin: Dark Star Plants 'Bastard's Fig Tree' for North America (Exclusive)

MOVIES

2:57 AM PST 2/13/2019 by Alex Ritman

Dark Star Pictures has closed North American rights on the Spanish Civil War whimsical comedy The Bastard's Fig Tree.

The deal was struck by Dark Star president Michael Repsch, producer Joaquin Trincado and Circus Roads' Glen Reynolds. 

Holding its world premiere at Fantastic Fest this fall, The Bastard's Fig Tree follows a "trigger-happy," fascist soldier who turns into a hermit and gets caught up in the care of a fig tree after the look in a 10-year-old child's eyes, the son of one of his victims, awakes in him the certainty that the kid will kill him as soon as he reaches 16 years of age.

Dark Star is planning a late April theatrical release starting in Los Angeles, San Francisco, Miami and Seattle, followed by a June VOD release.